Clearing
by LisaMR
Summary: Set during “As You Were” Buffy and Riley get some alone timeand Riley realizes that he’s missed more than he thought.


**Clearing**

**Title: **Clearing

**Author: **Lisa

**Pairing: **Buffy & Riley

**Status: **Completed Short Story

**Summary: **Set during "As You Were" Buffy and Riley get some alone time and Riley realizes that he's missed more than he thought.

Riley pushed through the last of the small shrubs that clung to him preventing him from what he still considered his light and freedom. He knew that it was wrong to still be thinking of her as his. She wasn't and a part of him knew she never was his. That thought didn't bring the wave of sadness and the stabbing pain that it once had. He had finally realized that she was nobody's and quite possibly never would be. It had nothing to do with not wanting to have that connection, because she did. Sometimes when they patrolled she'd let him catch sneak peaks into her true self. She had told him once that she desired to settle down one day and live the full American dream with all the trimmings, with only a few modifications. She had quickly changed the subject once he had started to ask questions and months later he had finally figured out why. Her calling wouldn't grant her that wish. Didn't allow her to rely on someone so completely because when she did it was always snatched away.

He reached the clearing and smiled as he watched her standing in the middle of the grassy field. Her blonde hair pulled into a small pony and her body screaming power. He glanced around and felt his smile turn into a frown as he recognized the spot that she stood in. He stepped closer trying to not to disturb the golden beauty but wanting to be closer, to feel her.

"For being part of some special secret covert ops you're not very stealthy."

Riley smiled and stood next to her, his arm brushing against hers. Spending a tingle through his body. "I'll have you know I'm very stealthy."

"Stealthiest."

He watched the small smirk that begun to form on her lips and he couldn't help but wonder when the last time she truly smiled. The thought left a heavy feeling on his chest. What had she all gone through while he was gone? What caused the fire in her eyes to be snuffed out and this shell of a Buffy to be left barely standing?

"I came here that night."

He didn't have to think as to which night she was referring to. It was the same night that he had replayed over and over again in his head. It haunted his dreams on more then one occasion.

"I was too late. Seems my slayer speed decided not to be so speedy. By the time I got here you were taking off already."

He swallowed hard as he realized what she was saying.

"I kept calling your name. Must've not heard me or decided I wasn't worth it. Probably the latter…"

"No." He grabbed her small shoulders and spun her around to face him. "Never. I swear Buffy I never heard you. If I… if I had seen or heard you I would've jumped out. Broken bones or not, would've been worth it just to hold you again." He paused. "And having you play Buffy Nightingale always a positive angle."

He watched as a large tear escaped out of her emerald orbs. He quickly swept his thumb along her cheek, effectively sweeping it away. "What happened?"

"What always happens, everything. Evil… death… pain. Just a normal year in the life of Buffy."

"Didn't seem that dire from where I stood."

"You didn't stay long enough. Not that I'm surprised or at least I shouldn't. My life has always been a revolving door. People come and then leave and never come back. Don't know why I thought you'd be any different. I mean sure… you're not a vampire with a soul… but your male and that in my books usually means that they leave."

Riley winced at her harsh words, but couldn't deny that she was entirely wrong. He had left without fighting and he'd given up. His insecurities had destroyed their relationship. "Sorry." She simply shrugged her shoulders and continued to stare out at the night sky.

"You were smart to go. Got really bad around here."

"Still should've stayed. Fought it out."

"Riley, I didn't really give you a reason to stay. I practically kicked you out of my life… okay… I did kick you out of my life."

"You shouldn't need a reason to stand by the woman you love. That should be enough, love." It was his turn to look around at anything besides her, part of him wishing he hadn't confessed to still loving her.

"How's your wife feel about that?"

He took a deep breath. He had hoped she wouldn't question his relationship with Sam. He didn't want to explain the whole situation, especially when he would look like a doof. He clinched his jaw before starring back at her. "She's not my wife."

"Excuse me?"

"She's just a friend. I didn't wanna come back to find out you were all smitten with another guy. Living the life I couldn't have with you. I told Sam to play the part of my happy wife."

"So… she's not your wife?"

"More like a sister really, which now that I think about it is really twisted." Riley moved a strand of her hair off of her face. He could feel his body begin to hum with being so near to her. "I know it was stupid. Just couldn't bare the thought of you smiling at someone other then… me. Selfish I know but when it comes to all things Buffy I become selfish possessive guy."

"I don't know… compared to everything that's been going on doesn't seem so selfish. Besides it's human nature, you know defense mechanism. Protect yourself… attack first ask questions later. God knows I've done it countless times before."

He watched as she plopped herself down and sat in her customary Indian style position. He followed suite and played with the grass between his fingers. "So… you're not mad?"

"Wouldn't do any good."

He wasn't use to this docile and un-passionate Buffy. He was expecting a fight or at the very least some witty quips and barbs. Had she totally lost that fire? Unsure how to approach the new version of Buffy he sat quietly next to her and waited. He wanted to know the 'everything' that she had mentioned before. He knew about her mom and unfortunately Spike. He didn't understand _that_ situation and a part of him wanted to stay that way.

"I won't break, you can ask."

He felt slightly embarrassed that she could still read him so perfectly. "Are you gonna tell me that _everything_ part?"

"Could take a while."

"I've got a while, especially now that I'm not married, don't think Sam would mind."

"Honestly don't know where to start. Everything just blends together in one blinding picture of Buff pain. Got really complicated when mom got sick. You were there you saw what it did. Didn't get any better when I found out about Dawn."

"Dawn?"

"Really a mystique being. All green and glow-y that opens - opened gates to various evil hell dimensions."

"Dawn… can do that?"

"Not can… did. She's The Key that Glory was after. Her blood is what opens the dimensions or at least… or least could. Not sure if she still holds all that power. Don't really wanna have to go through that again."

He watched silently trying to understand and grasp everything that was tumbling out of her mouth at normal rapid Buffy speed. It did explain why Buffy had become so protective of her sister suddenly but still made him realize how closed off she was. "How'd you find out? I mean 14 years is a long time to keep that hidden, especially for Dawn. I mean she can't keep a secret longer than five seconds."

"It was only months… or days."

"But… I remember her sneaking down the stairs when we were dating." He smiled as he remembered many times Buffy yelling at Dawn to go away and calling Mrs. Summers to make Dawn go away.

"Yup… never happened. Monks planted the memories. You should've seen what it did to her. She felt different… like she didn't belong with us… with me. It only got worse when…"

Her voice trailed off and Riley knew what she was referring too. Though Buffy would at times keep him in the dark he knew her well enough that to know that she bottled her emotions up from everyone. She probably hadn't talked to anyone about what she was feeling. Hell, she more than likely didn't let the gang see her cry. He gently placed her delicate hand in his and began to rub small circles on her hand.

"She was in so much pain and I… I didn't know what to do… who to be. She didn't believe me when I told her. A part of me feared that she would blame me. I mean… I found her there… just lying there. She was so cold. What if… what if I got home earlier? I should've been there."

"Buffy that wasn't your fault." Her mood instantly changed from broken to pure unbridled vengeance and anger.

"No? I can save the world from ending; from my ex-lover trying to suck the world into hell, but I can't save my own mother!"

"Buffy you couldn't have stopped it. It wasn't something supernatural."

"I'm so sick of hearing that! I couldn't stop The Master from reigning because the Codex said I would die and he would rule. You don't see him around do you? Couldn't stop Angelus or the Mayor, again neither of them are around. You were there when Adam was taken care of. Then we stop on this tour to the most recent of my-couldn't but did list. Glory. Big bad god that was going to smack us all down and was going to bleed my little sister to death to open the portal. We share… share the same blood. They cut her. Cut into her flesh and let her blood just fall, letting the portal open. Needed all her blood… my blood… her blood… it's the same. They made her out of me. I died to save my sister… my friends… the world. I leapt off that tower and closed the portal and I died that night."

The word mentally slapped him upside the head. She had died. While he was gone, she had died. The thought of her ceasing to exist brought tears to his eyes, not having her in his life was enough pain, but not having her in this world was torture. He looked back at her as tears spilled rapidly down her cheeks.

"I sacrificed me… but I couldn't even do CPR on my mom. I couldn't save her… don't you get that!"

He quickly wrapped his arms around her pulling her close to his chest. He felt her tiny body shake as her cries shattered through her armor. Her tears were soaking through his uniform. He rocked her back and forth. "Buffy… I'm sorry. I should've been there… here at your side."

Riley wasn't sure how long they sat like that. Silently in an embrace while both shedding tears of regret and sorrow. He was pulled out of his thoughts as she pulled away slightly.

"The worst part… I was in heaven Riley."

Riley choked back a sob and felt her small hand rub his cheek.

"I guess that explains sleeping with Spike. When I came back I felt so numb and dead inside. Nothing mattered… nothing felt. With Spike… I felt something, pain and disgust but anything was better than nothing."

"How?"

"Willow, Xander, Anya and Tara… resurrection spell."

"How long were you in…"

"Heaven?"

Riley gave a slight nod.

"Time didn't really exist. I was happy and Mom was there and now… here I am. Alone… again." He watched as her armor slowly came back on, guarding her heart from any more pain. "You should get back to Africa or Brazil… wherever you're going they need you."

"Buffy."

"Don't… please Riley I can handle another I love you but I'm leaving speech. You have your place and I have mind. Let's just say good-bye properly this time. Please."

Her silent begging caused him to nod his head as she stood up and walked over to the edge of the forest. He brushed his pants off before following. He reached and grabbed her hand before they walked back into the woods, together.


End file.
